Tired As Sh*t

One of those days where I feel like I need to write. I've recently purchased this one line a day journal that spans five years specifically to document Charlie's developments and milestones but also the little things that I'll want to remember, like how he asked, "Omma, more uh huh, uh huh I like it, uh huh uh huh. That's the way uh huh, uh huh..." And with writing these very short paragraphs at the end of the day, I've remembered what it feels like to think again about how I feel or to even take a moment to figure out how I feel, or that I feel.

For the past two years since I had C I've neglected my health mainly because I'm so worried about keeping him alive and well. And now my body is telling me to take better care of it. The way it's doing this is by going on protest and basically shutting down. Just this past winter season, I've had the stomach flu and 3 consecutive colds back to back. I've recently developed psoriasis which I battle everyday because it wants me to scratch it, but the more I do, the worse it gets and the more it spreads. It tests me minute after minute. And let's not forget my constant back, shoulder, and wrist aches. And the topper, though not the final topper, has been this crook in my neck that hasn't gone away. So I have to turn my whole body if I just want to check the clock on the wall behind me, very much like Frankenstein. All this has made me more and more anxious.

I always knew I was a stress ball. But For the first time in my life I actually thought, "I need to stress less." And then I was completely stumped because I don't know what it means to not be stressed or how to not stress. Meaning, what practical steps or actions do I actually take? And I wondered if there was something really wrong with me because there are people with so much more on their plate and they probably dont have half the amount of anxiety that I have. And for another first in my life I thought I should get a prescription for Valium or an anti-anxiety pill.

Then I thought of C and how I want to be here fully for him. Body and mind. And though I like the feeling of certain drugs (hey, don't judge, I too used to be young and rebellious) I want to show him that I'm stronger than this. So strong and determined in fact, that I'm gonna try yoga. (We've gotta try everything else before we run to the meds right?) I like the idea that its about relaxation and controlling when and how I relax. And at first I'll have to try hard but hopefully the more I do it the more I can control it and pretty soon Ill be able to apply that to areas of my life.

I recently read that the body is the work horse. And it needs good food, rest, and exercise. But the rider is the mind. And it needs meditation. So I'm trying this out, yoga on Netflix, 30 minutes a night, with my husband who is also anxiety stricken to the point where he grinds his teeth down to chiclets, in front of the tv, on the lliving room floor, and we're gonna chill the f*ck out.

Back and Forth

My nights have been so bad lately. I couldn't sleep throughout my whole pregnancy and now I really can't sleep as there is no such thing as a comfortable position. I've given up on Unisom as the effects have worn off and now just rely on watching television or playing solitaire until I fall asleep.

However tonight neither of those are working. Not only do I have a nagging ache on my shoulder blade area, but I keep thinking about the worker at Sur La Table who was raving about how great it is to be a parent and have kids. It was so strange... everyone I have met thus far through this pregnancy has told me how miserable it is and that my life will be over. Of course they all end the conversation with the inevitable "but it's so rewarding" but I have not believed that statement like I finally believed it today when that woman told me. She really meant it.

And that was so reassuring because my pregnancy has been so bad with the nausea, fatigue, fainting spells, nausea, nausea, and nausea that many times I've sworn to myself and others that we will only be having this one child. During really bad times I would just break down because there's nothing you can do about the nausea so crying actually helped and I would fall asleep and have relief for a few hours. I have never in my life given and sacrificed so much for any person. And all he does is take, take, take. If I had a friend who did that, I would cut them off immediately but I couldn't do that with him so yes, I admit it, I had moments of resentment. But these feelings would come and go just like my nausea would come and go. For example, the first time I saw the little guy through the ultrasound and heard his heartbeat, I actually got teary-eyed! I couldn't believe I was crying over a little lima bean of a person who I've never met! Brian and I held each others' hands and just looked in amazement as we realized this was truly a miracle. And then I felt frustrated again when I had a long to-do list and would tire after I tackled number one on it. Again, back and forth.

And today was a bad nausea and fatigue day. I did my first load of baby laundry and was so astonished at how small this baby will actually be. But then I couldn't do anything else and just sat on my ass all day and felt shitty about how unproductive I was. I was so exhausted but kept myself from sleeping because I wanted to be able to sleep at night. (Obviously this didn't work as it's 5:50 a.m. and I'm still wide awake.) I thought that maybe if Brian and I went out for dinner I'd forget about my nausea and be able to eat something substantial other than a bagel. So I started to get ready and realized I will never be able to enjoy the process of getting dolled up again. I love getting dressed up and looking good for no one other than my husband of course, but also myself. Girls love getting dolled up. But I guess I'm no longer a girl but a mother and this is the end of it. So I took my time knowing this wouldn't be happening ever again until the face and body that would be getting dolled up would be one I wouldn't recognize as the wrinkles will have set in and gravity will have begun the sagging face process.

So that's why I can't sleep. I keep thinking about how genuine that woman was in saying how positive of an experience parenthood will be. And although the reality is that my life is changing and I'm mourning very much the loss of my life as I know it, I'm also looking forward to seeing how much I could actually love someone other than my husband, sister, and parents.

Right before I got the urge to purge everything that I've been thinking about, I was lying uncomfortably in bed looking at my huge stomach and got emotional about meeting the little one. What the woman said was making sense to me and I began to feel a connection to the baby like I've never felt before! And then he kicked me as hard as he could. Again, back and forth.

2009, MY BABY BOY

It's My Favorite!

Inspired by Mindy, I shall start posting things that I would deem "...is my favorite!"

Boree cha is stinkin awesome. Brian and I have been drinking this for almost 2 years straight in place of regular water. For those of you who don't know what it is, it's barley tea that you can drink cold or hot. It's usually served cold at Korean restaurants. Sometimes it's barley and other times is corn. I have no preference--I consider it all "boree cha"--the tea that Korean old folks drink.

This all started because of my dislike for the taste of water. Now you might be thinking, "Wtf? Water has no taste." Precisely my point. So it's harder for me to drink it when I'm not running a marathon, which is like always and forever. The best thing I can compare it to is when you get drunk and someone tells you to drink water to sober up and it instantly makes you want to ralph. Now imagine that on an everyday basis. I'm dead serious when I say I gag trying to drink water. My sister says it's because I don't drink all day and then suddenly try to drink my eight cups before I sleep but I disagree. O.K. fine I agree a little, but in my defense I just forget, that's why. Water is so bland and blah. And that's why boree cha is awesome because it has a great flavor that makes me want more so I get my eight cups a day!

You don't know this, but in the middle of writing this post, I got up to get a cup of boree cha. :) Boree cha is my favorite!

My Heart Aches

I feel so robbed. It's not like I can redo that day. None of the joy, love, friendship, and beauty of that day was captured. A photographer's job is to make something ordinary look extraordinary. I feel like the day was extraordinary-- friends have been saying that, and might I add, it's been completely unsolicited. But the sad part is that he made that extraordinary day so...ordinary.

I feel cheated. Brian and I asked him to bring his portfolio or even some samples of his work to our first meeting. He was so unprofessional and lazy he didn't. And when Brian and I were showing him sample pictures of what we wanted, he spewed out technical terms and acted like he knew exactly what we were looking for, "Yeah yeah, got it. More environment..." I thought he was THAT good that all he needed to see were a few samples and he knew how to do it. A professional who is truly passionate (another lie) about his work would have studied each photo and asked us what we liked about it. He would have asked us to email him those photos. And most of all, he would have brought samples of his work. And on the rehearsal day, I asked him to come to the site thinking he would bring his equipment and take test shots to get the right light meter reading but instead he came in flip flops, shorts and a tshirt with his hands in his pockets with no camera to be seen. He didn't even scope out the location. I had to ask him where he thought would be a good place to take family photos. I told him all the places I wanted to take pictures by and on the day of we didn't do any of those locations. Again, I didn't say anything because I thought he was THAT good that he didn't need to do any light tests or take any test shots.

Brian and I got fooled by my sister and Arthur's wedding pictures. The thing is, Scott just got lucky with those shots because the church was so beautiful. It was pure luck. That's it. All I keep saying is he was supposed to bring us samples on our first meeting. And I should have pushed it more and asked him to even email us some. But I fully trusted him. And he cheated us, not just of money, but of the memories of that day.

Leny is thanking

I recently caved in and joined Facebook. I did it because half the time I didn't understand people's conversations-- the same reason I joined Xanga. But then I realized that Facebook is mainly pictures. Meaning, it's an easier way to upload and comment on people's pictures. But what I most like about Facebook is the reconnecting with old friends and acquaintances. I think that's pretty cool.

I'll be posting pictures soon of all the events that circled around this wedding.

But for now, I have my wedding playlist on and am writing thank you notes. :)

Done, Son!

It is finally over and I can't keep any of the past happenings in order inside my head. The wedding itself was a whirlwind, but add to that a family episode because of a dumb uncle trying to crap on our day. The four of us sped through traffic late Sunday night to get to Fontana and try to clear stuff up for my father because of the rumors he heard through my uncle. And yes, maybe my uncle was trying to "warn" my parents, but why on the day of the wedding? It is the one day he should have left my parents alone. And this is the part where I think this man is evil. May God deal with you as he sees fit because I know it'll be sweeter than me egging your house.

Anyhow, it was a pretty huge deal and now relationships have been affected. I don't know where we go from here. I prayed this morning that God would just guide us towards where he wants us to go and towards the way he wants us to act.

The next day we ran a lot of errands and spent most of the day talking, sitting, and quietly crying. Our hearts ached and we were angry but we made a pact not to talk about it at the honeymoon. We left for it the next day.

And thank God for friends because they made it easier for us not to fall into our own thoughts. We had such a blast during the day chilling out at the private beach with our pina coladas and playing games with awesome punishments at night. This is exactly what I needed. What I realized on this trip is that what I once found truth in "nothing is thicker than blood" I no longer do. I do believe it to be true to a certain degree because I realized that the people at the trip are our family. And I hold them close to my heart. But if my own family pushes me away, then I won't push to get closer because B and I, our family now, is our first priority so I'm done trying to win anybody's approval.

Overdue!

After the craze of booking the big things, there was a nice lull that I fell into where I sort of just worked on the invites and thought about the fun things like the bridesmaids dress, bachelorette party, etc. But for the past 2 days, since I realized it was the end of June and that July was here, I've been feeling restless and a bit uneasy with the idea that I only have 3 freakin' months left! My knot.com to-do list says I have "140 items to do and 32 overdue" and then I have a hard time breathing. It's bad enough I'm a stressball so you can imagine what this does to me.