However tonight neither of those are working. Not only do I have a nagging ache on my shoulder blade area, but I keep thinking about the worker at Sur La Table who was raving about how great it is to be a parent and have kids. It was so strange... everyone I have met thus far through this pregnancy has told me how miserable it is and that my life will be over. Of course they all end the conversation with the inevitable "but it's so rewarding" but I have not believed that statement like I finally believed it today when that woman told me. She really meant it.
And that was so reassuring because my pregnancy has been so bad with the nausea, fatigue, fainting spells, nausea, nausea, and nausea that many times I've sworn to myself and others that we will only be having this one child. During really bad times I would just break down because there's nothing you can do about the nausea so crying actually helped and I would fall asleep and have relief for a few hours. I have never in my life given and sacrificed so much for any person. And all he does is take, take, take. If I had a friend who did that, I would cut them off immediately but I couldn't do that with him so yes, I admit it, I had moments of resentment. But these feelings would come and go just like my nausea would come and go. For example, the first time I saw the little guy through the ultrasound and heard his heartbeat, I actually got teary-eyed! I couldn't believe I was crying over a little lima bean of a person who I've never met! Brian and I held each others' hands and just looked in amazement as we realized this was truly a miracle. And then I felt frustrated again when I had a long to-do list and would tire after I tackled number one on it. Again, back and forth.
And today was a bad nausea and fatigue day. I did my first load of baby laundry and was so astonished at how small this baby will actually be. But then I couldn't do anything else and just sat on my ass all day and felt shitty about how unproductive I was. I was so exhausted but kept myself from sleeping because I wanted to be able to sleep at night. (Obviously this didn't work as it's 5:50 a.m. and I'm still wide awake.) I thought that maybe if Brian and I went out for dinner I'd forget about my nausea and be able to eat something substantial other than a bagel. So I started to get ready and realized I will never be able to enjoy the process of getting dolled up again. I love getting dressed up and looking good for no one other than my husband of course, but also myself. Girls love getting dolled up. But I guess I'm no longer a girl but a mother and this is the end of it. So I took my time knowing this wouldn't be happening ever again until the face and body that would be getting dolled up would be one I wouldn't recognize as the wrinkles will have set in and gravity will have begun the sagging face process.
So that's why I can't sleep. I keep thinking about how genuine that woman was in saying how positive of an experience parenthood will be. And although the reality is that my life is changing and I'm mourning very much the loss of my life as I know it, I'm also looking forward to seeing how much I could actually love someone other than my husband, sister, and parents.
Right before I got the urge to purge everything that I've been thinking about, I was lying uncomfortably in bed looking at my huge stomach and got emotional about meeting the little one. What the woman said was making sense to me and I began to feel a connection to the baby like I've never felt before! And then he kicked me as hard as he could. Again, back and forth.
2009, MY BABY BOY
