Tired As Sh*t

One of those days where I feel like I need to write. I've recently purchased this one line a day journal that spans five years specifically to document Charlie's developments and milestones but also the little things that I'll want to remember, like how he asked, "Omma, more uh huh, uh huh I like it, uh huh uh huh. That's the way uh huh, uh huh..." And with writing these very short paragraphs at the end of the day, I've remembered what it feels like to think again about how I feel or to even take a moment to figure out how I feel, or that I feel.

For the past two years since I had C I've neglected my health mainly because I'm so worried about keeping him alive and well. And now my body is telling me to take better care of it. The way it's doing this is by going on protest and basically shutting down. Just this past winter season, I've had the stomach flu and 3 consecutive colds back to back. I've recently developed psoriasis which I battle everyday because it wants me to scratch it, but the more I do, the worse it gets and the more it spreads. It tests me minute after minute. And let's not forget my constant back, shoulder, and wrist aches. And the topper, though not the final topper, has been this crook in my neck that hasn't gone away. So I have to turn my whole body if I just want to check the clock on the wall behind me, very much like Frankenstein. All this has made me more and more anxious.

I always knew I was a stress ball. But For the first time in my life I actually thought, "I need to stress less." And then I was completely stumped because I don't know what it means to not be stressed or how to not stress. Meaning, what practical steps or actions do I actually take? And I wondered if there was something really wrong with me because there are people with so much more on their plate and they probably dont have half the amount of anxiety that I have. And for another first in my life I thought I should get a prescription for Valium or an anti-anxiety pill.

Then I thought of C and how I want to be here fully for him. Body and mind. And though I like the feeling of certain drugs (hey, don't judge, I too used to be young and rebellious) I want to show him that I'm stronger than this. So strong and determined in fact, that I'm gonna try yoga. (We've gotta try everything else before we run to the meds right?) I like the idea that its about relaxation and controlling when and how I relax. And at first I'll have to try hard but hopefully the more I do it the more I can control it and pretty soon Ill be able to apply that to areas of my life.

I recently read that the body is the work horse. And it needs good food, rest, and exercise. But the rider is the mind. And it needs meditation. So I'm trying this out, yoga on Netflix, 30 minutes a night, with my husband who is also anxiety stricken to the point where he grinds his teeth down to chiclets, in front of the tv, on the lliving room floor, and we're gonna chill the f*ck out.